The Pool

Yesterday I deleted the Instagram and Facebook apps off of my phone. I bundled all the remaining apps into one tiny, square “bucket” that now rests cozily in the top left corner of the screen, gazing mutely down at the unobstructed background photo of my baby daughter grinning in her car seat. Do you see the metaphor? It’s a clear one, but I didn’t see until now. I’m literally moving social media, games, distractions out from between me and my family.

The way I described it to a friend was this — I often felt that I was choosing daily to jump into a Pool, not knowing what else was floating around in it. I could bump into a recipe, a photo of a friend’s child, a snippet of national news. Or maybe an idea for activities to do with your baby would bob past. If I wanted, I could seek out specific things. But more and more, I never did. I just floated, letting whatever washed over me wash over me. Some of it delightful, some of it useful, some of it uninteresting, but, and here was the Thing — some of it discouraging, comparing, dragging me down.

Almost 8 months ago I became a mother. And as hard and complex as I expected it to be, it was harder and more complex even than that. I’ve written before about my worry and my propensity for (over)planning, but long story short is that I thought I had thought of everything. I thought I had anticipated what would be difficult, why, and exactly how much. And then hormones and love permeate every cell in your wrecked body, you stop sleeping, and your friends want to know when to bring by a casserole. I’ll probably write more about the Fourth Trimester elsewhere, so no rabbit trail here, but my point is that I’m not bobbing around in the Pool on my own anymore. There’s a tiny, perfect little person bundled on a sun lounger watching me. In a few years, she’ll be dipping her toe in this Pool whether I like it or not. Do I want her to grow up learning to just let whatever washes over her wash over her? Do I want her to be passive, to allow others to press her brain and body into the shape they prefer? And on top of that, do I want her to grow up with Mommy and Mommy’s Phone?

Figuring out how to be a parent is really hard, period. Deciding whether to be a stay-at-home mom, a working mom, or something in between is really hard, period. I need at least a little while out of the Pool to just be me, to be the mom that is best for my daughter in our unique life, and to stop allowing others to influence (whether intentionally or not) what takes up my brain space and my time.

But this is the pool where everyone goes! If I don’t go to the pool, I won’t see them or know what’s happening!

And though I love my friends and family, would it be so bad if I didn’t know what was happening with them every day? For those closest, a periodic text or email with some baby photos would be just as good, if not better. Also, I make my living at an academic library, so I am constantly steeped in research methods, source citations, and information literacy. I know how to seek out information when I need it. If I need a recipe, a picture of my friend’s child, or an update on national news, I will be able to find them. And it may even involve getting back into the Pool for a minute. But probably not even long enough to get pruney.